• Editorial: Dairy Queen's Latest Promotion Is A Joke
  
• Jets Halfback Jody Kramer Placed On Disabled List
  
• This Just In: Congress Passes The "It's For The Children Act Of 2000"
  
• "Nonsense" Author Wins $4 Million Lottery Prize
  
• Breaking News: Monaco Invades Monaco, 101 Killed
  
• Slobidan Milosevich Caught In Middle Of Bizarre Love Triangle!
  
• Breaking News: Audit Reveals Federal Government Spent $151 Million On Paperclips Last Year
  
• Stop The Presses: Riverside School Board Introduces New Capital Punishment Policy
  
• Letter To The Editor: Shakespeare Was Right: Let's Kill All The Lawyers
  
• Area Woman Held Hostage By The Radical "Association Of Caring Clergymen For "Nuke First, Ask Questions Later" Policy"