• Top Story: Elvis Sighted In Sacramento
  
• Surgeon General Sued For Malpractice: An Exclusive Report
  
• Oklahoma Set To Open 46th Turnpike
  
• 43% Of West Virginia Residents Can't Name Their State Senator, New Study Claims
  
• Membership In The "National Association Of Grandparents Against Teaching Creationism In The Classroom" Increases By 42%
  
• "I Look Just Like Elvis Presley And I Can't Stand It Anymore!" Says Upset North Dakotan
  
• Editorial: Shakespeare Was Right: Let's Kill All The Lawyers
  
• Fort Knox Gold Is Really Silver
  
• Switzerland Declares War On US: An Exclusive Report
  
• Huntleigh Wolverines Clobber The St. Hartweck Bears 8-0