<UL>
<LI>City Alderman Held Hostage By The Radical "Society Of Morally Bankrupt Eco-Terrorists In Support Of Big Brother Policies": A Special Report<BR>
<LI>Norfolk State University Study Finds 45% Of Citizens Can't Name The Supreme Court Chief Justice<BR>
<LI>Top Story: Abraham Lincoln State College Study Finds 67% Of America Online CDs Are Used As Drink Coasters<BR>
<LI>Top Story: Acme Releases Condoms... For Your Pet Bear<BR>
<LI>Stop The Presses: Eagle With Two Heads Found Near Nuclear Plant<BR>
<LI>Editorial: McDonalds's Latest Promotion Is A Joke<BR>
<LI>Researchers Discover 80% Of School Cafeteria "Mystery Meat" Dishes Don't Actually Contain Meat<BR>
<LI>Editorial: San Diego Needs To Erect 'Speed Trap Ahead' Road Signs<BR>
<LI>Breaking News: President Says He Chugged Beer, But Didn't Swallow<BR>
<LI>Breaking News: President Says He Chugged Beer, But Didn't Swallow<BR>
</UL>